Sometimes
by DarkShadowsFalling
Summary: Sometimes you find out how hard it is to love that sweet, gay boy. Kurcedes-ish, though a lot more angsty. Possible character death, you take it as you see it. Based on real situations.


Sometimes

*A Kurcedes-centric story from Glee. All characters belong to Ryan Murphy and Fox. If I owned them, there would be more slashiness and some Kurcedes love *

A/N: Most of the feelings and thoughts pertaining to Mercedes in this are based off of real situations. I had my own Kurt so I sort of know how Mercedes felt. There's an obvious difference in the end. Hope you like. Feeling a little angsty.

Sometimes you try to forget that you fell in love with him and remember that you're his friend and that's more than you could ask for.

Sometimes you try to forget how much it hurts when he tells you he's gay and leaves your heart in pieces.

Sometimes, it's ridiculously easy to just be friends. Other times, it's so hard that you can't breathe.

Sometimes you wish you'd been born a boy so he'd look twice at you instead of gossiping with you over cute boys.

Sometimes, you wonder how long you can keep up this charade before you either explode or scream. You settle for a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, which only serves to make you feel less attractive and bloated. Such a vicious circle.

Sometimes you can tell you're drifting apart from him, even though you're still trying to maintain your friendship, which has been based on secret longings from the beginning. You try to convince yourself that your friendship will persevere. You're besties, right? Besties never disappear.

Sometimes, you stare at a bottle of pills or one of your father's razor blades, and think it would be so much easier to just leave the world. You're a whale, the boy you love is gay, and your friendship is hanging on tenterhooks. But you don't have the courage to do it and instead suffer through the pain.

Sometimes, you wonder why you're the only one of the two of you trying to keep this farce of a friendship intact. He obviously doesn't feel the same. He's too interested in his new friends at his new school to bother with you. But you just keep hanging on, no matter how foolish it is.

Sometimes you cry yourself to sleep when cold reality slaps you in the face. You've gone a couple of months without dwelling on him, but something stirs a memory of him and you find yourself paralyzed with longing and grief, unable to breathe or think through the mind-numbing pain. Hello, Mr. Cookie Dough. Long time no see. Did you miss me? Cuz I certainly missed you.

Sometimes you wonder how you didn't see it coming. The first time he tells you that he has a different life now and can't be around as much as he used to be, you feel like you've been punched in the gut. And every time after that, you feel worse and worse, until you've locked yourself in your room for days, clad in nothing but sweats. You watch the soap operas on T.V., trying to remind yourself that your life isn't THAT screwed up. You eventually find yourself realizing that you're sadly mistaken.

Sometimes, you get angry at the control he has over your emotions and it spurs something in you that's a bit like defying gravity and you feel stronger than yesterday. You date, but none of them make you happy. They each last about two dates before you're moving on, trying to replace him. But you never do.

Sometimes, you lose control over your feelings and wind up making an ass out of yourself to him, acting like he has no right to love someone else. And you feel like a right bitch for it afterwards when he has quite forcefully chastised you for it.

Sometimes you wonder if your feelings ever really meant anything to him or if he just humored you. You can't decide which one is worse.

Sometimes, you've had enough and you feel like the only way for you to feel anything is to revisit the razor blades and pills. This time you go through with it.

As you lay bleeding, your mind hazy, you're slightly irritated to discover that your final thoughts are about him. You whisper, "Will he even miss me?" before everything goes blissfully black.


End file.
